My rules to live by

I read that people respect you “having a rule”, so if you need an excuse, you can say you have a rule. I read an Agenty Duck post I can’t find about how you should behave as if you will always behave that way, and only do things you would adopt as a rule. For instance, if I want to leave work early, I ask myself if I would accept always leaving work early. If the answer is yes, I should always do it; if it’s no, I shouldn’t do it in this specific instance either, because if I do it enough, it will become a habit. Rules are one way to keep some intentionality in your habit-forming.

Burning Woman also asked me what rules I might be living by, and not be aware of, and what rules I would live by if it was me making the rules. So here:

Four rules

• Figure out what you want. This is an uphill battle that lasts your entire life, and it is an essential first step.
• Engage on your terms. Get Gone, Get Got, Get Compact, Get Ready. Do not default. Do not let fear think for you. Exercise Agency. Choices are not made once, they are continuous. Action, not identity.
• Optimize. Overcome Bias. Seek real truth. No wasted motion. Let go of dead weight. Objects and ideas pay rent.
• Love freely. Forgive recklessly. Throw yourself into the unknown. Trust your gut. When you can, live with abandon.

Today

I’m having some trouble figuring out what I want. This is an uphill battle that will last my entire life, and it is an essential first step.

I’m horribly lonely and I have poor and deteriorating social skills. My closest friends aren’t that close. My romantic relationship can’t provide for all my emotional/social needs, and shouldn’t have to, and I really don’t know who to call to talk about it. I have my parents in my life, but I don’t really want them weighing in on my voluntary relationships, especially the ones I’ve won them over to supporting.

I’m involved with several political groups, but they’re not giving me the sense of community and connectedness and opportunity to practice social skills that I was looking for. And it doesn’t help that I question their effectiveness; not only does it seem like there’s not much in it for me, it also may be that there’s not much in it for the world, either. I’ve been donating frivolously, setting up recurring monthly donations that I have no idea whether I can afford, because I haven’t been keeping track of how much money I’m spending. I guess I’ll find out when I don’t have enough for rent one month. Donating feels like any other kind of shopping– it’s a one time dopamine hit, and then I forget about it. I’m not important to those organizations.

I want to eat until I’m stuffed, but then I want to keep eating and I can’t. I want to drink, because it helps a little with the fear that I’m wasting my life, ironically, but I think it might trigger migraines and I really don’t want a migraine.

I want to go to the art store and buy some watercolors and watercolor paper, but it just feels so frivolous that I can’t bring myself to do it. Would I ever even paint? I don’t have the energy to walk to the store. I’m exhausted, and I just woke up.

I want to do my online learning for work, but I also don’t want to do work, and I want to read my book about the evils of work, but it feels unproductive.

I don’t know how to fix the problems I have. I suspect that in the better world I’m “working” towards (hardly, since I barely do anything), I would be worse off. Communities based on mutual aid rather than monetary transactions rely on social skills, and if there’s one thing I’ve repeatedly failed to do, it’s form and participate in communities. I’m quite well-adjusted to our fucked-up current system. I meet the messed-up definition of “success”. But I don’t meet the bar for inclusion in the kind of world I want. I’m too lazy and cowardly and indulgent. I’m an American, through and through, born and raised, whether my fellow Americans like it or not. I am not being the change I want to see.

Maybe I need to do something I enjoy? I can’t remember the last time I went on a hike. Depression is when you no longer enjoy the activities that used to bring you joy, but I’m just not doing any of those activities. I don’t remember the bliss I used to get out of just hanging out with my partner. It’s a stale memory, and I can’t even think of any fun activities for us to do together. I’d go camping if I hadn’t committed to a social event tonight and a community cleanup tomorrow. I seriously considered getting a hotel room today just to spend some time in an indoor place other than my house or work. I’m unhappy.